Momento

Cary, Illinois, 1988
Originally uploaded by O. Douglas Jennings
In the movie Bladerunner human-like androids called replicants yearn to have a semblance of a human past. So a replicant might collect old photos so as to pretend that a photo he finds of, say, a child at a picnic would provide a sense that it is of him as a child. It would make him feel more authentically human or real.

When I look at photos of my past, like the one accompanying this post (it's over 20 years old), it elicits a different emotion than assurance of being real for me. Because my life has unfolded in many complicated ways since the time of this photo; because I no longer look like how I looked in this photo and because I do not feel like the same person, I have a feeling of alienation or separateness from my past self.

I am glad for this photo as it reminds me of events of that time. I was living in Cary. It was the early days of my love for one who took this photo. Shanaz , who would soon after this become my fiance and then my wife, was visiting me from where she lived in Carbondale (300 miles away). We had taken a walk to a nearby park and it was nearing twilight.

We are still married. My love for her is matured as part of the unfolding of years, the bearing and rearing of our children, the struggles and accomplishments. And it is nearing twilight.